The Importance of Healthy Marriages Through the Generations

We are in the season of Mothers Day and Fathers Day, so I find myself thinking about marriage and the family.

In a recent book (On God’s Side…) by Evangelical Christian author Jim Wallis, I saw the following statement.

“Stable Marriages are at the core of healthy households, and they are critically important for good parenting… without a critical mass of healthy and functional marriages, a society steers into real trouble.”

Wow! So everyone in my genealogy database who was married and had children could have contributed to that critical mass of healthy and functional marriages–a necessary condition for keeping “our society out of real trouble!”   Pretty heady stuff.

But I wonder how those who were good marriage partners learned how.

Musings About How People Learn(Or Don’t Learn)To Be A Good Spouse

There were certainly no courses in my elementary or high schools about how to be a good marriage partner.

And, unlike the “birds and bees” sex education discussions that parents are supposed to try to have with their children, no one ever set me down and talked to me about how to be a good husband.

Neither my Sunday school teachers nor the minister who married us gave me any inkling about how I could be a good spouse.

I guess I was rescued just a little bit by a good Marriage and the Family Living course I took as a college student, and a book I read by Dr. Spock (he really wasn’t that bad).

But generally, it seemed that I had to learn by example, or just by doing—obviously not very systematic instruction geared for success.

 So How Can A Person Be Helped To Become A Good Spouse?

I know “just telling” is not the most effective teaching method, but if I could go back in time to talk to all the young married couples in my genealogical data base, I would at least start by giving them a copy of the “Ten Love Habits of Highly Effective Spouses,” shown below.

I compiled/created this when my son Eric and daughter-in-law-to-be Stacy were planning their wedding in 1994, and have given copies of it to my children, and to several other young couples since then.

It doesn’t seem like much, but if you continue to think about it over the years—and even take it seriously– you might conclude that “Hey, there’s something important here after all.”

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Ten Love Habits of Highly Effective Spouses

RESPECT

Love is creating an “us” by nurturing each “me” – with guidance from “Thou.”

ACCEPTANCE

Love is accepting each other, rather than expecting to make an imperfect person perfect.

SUPPORT

Love is looking for the best in each other and what they do, and putting it into words.

COMMUNICATION

Love is patient listening, talking, and planning in a true partnership.

GENEROSITY

Love is letting it sometimes be 40-60 rather than insisting on 50-50.

HUMOR

Love is laughing- especially at ourselves- and having fun together.

CONSIDERATION

Love is doing and saying things that make each other feel good, rather than feel irritated.

PRIORITIES

Love is focusing more on the kind of you living in a house than on the kind of house you live in.

FRIENDSHIP

Love is being a best friend, knowing that true friendship is a union of two good forgivers.

GROWTH

Love is agreeing to work toward positive marriage habits, knowing that it is natural to falter.

Created/Adapted by Phares O’Daffer, May 28, 1994

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The Bottom Line

 Maybe it’s worth continuing to say things like this (or one’s own personal version) to our kids and grandkids, in the hope that it will become meaningful to them, or spark meaningful thoughts, and they will pass it on to their kids and grandkids, and so on.

If we can do even a little thing to maybe “help keep society out of real trouble,” it’s probably worth it.